EPIPHANY

04-22-04 - 9:35 a.m.

Things are suddenly changing with my approach to this eating disorder stuff.

I recently started talking to Ken about things and through the couple of talks that we have had, I’ve begun to see things from a very different angle. It has been very eye opening, and you know, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I have started to think that it’s truly possible to ‘get over’ an eating disorder.

Everyone seems to say that one can never truly and completely recover from an eating disorder. I recently read a quote in someone’s diary about an eating disorder being like an addiction, that it’s like a door in the back of your mind and all you have to do is walk through it and you’re there again. Well, when you think about it I suppose you have every door imaginable ‘in you’ to walk through if you choose- even doors you’ve never walked through before. But I’m getting side tracked…

I mentioned in an earlier diary entry that I had considered the possibility that the positive thoughts about my body come from God, and that the negative (and self-destructive) ones come from the devil. I also mentioned that if the devil is putting thoughts into someone’s mind it’s because he knows he’s working with a weakness.

Well, last night we talked again, and got talking about weakness. We talked about how we’re supposed to be able to bring our weaknesses to the Lord and that He will help us to turn them into strengths.

We’ve talked in the past about prayer in general, and seeking answers to prayer. We talked about how we’re supposed to reason things out in our minds and come to our own conclusion before we pray for an answer- that it’s more a question of, “Is this conclusion right?” when we pray than it is, “What should I do?”

Well, I haven’t been able to come to any conclusions about this eating disorder stuff. I certainly see that it’s wrong, that it’s self-destructive and that there can be nothing positive coming from it, really. (Except that it must be meeting some need that is not being met otherwise- think Dr. Phil- everything we do has some sort of pay off, or we wouldn’t do it.)

So, I can conclude quite clearly, in my mind, that this eating disorder is no good for me, that even when I’m not acting on those thoughts, they’re still detrimental to my self, and that they certainly don’t help me in my life. I told these things to Ken, and he said, “So you’re sure of it here…” (pointing to my head), “…but not here.” (pointing to my heart).

“So, how does knowing in your heart change anything?”

“You have to feel it”

“Why?”

Now here’s where we got a bit more religious… we can ‘know’ things in the church…

…know that the church is true (because it all makes sense)

…know that the book of mormon is true (because it helps me out, and makes sense)

…know that prayer is good (cuz that’s what I’ve been taught, and I’ve done it all my life)

…know that the prophet is really the prophet of God, etc., etc.

BUT… if we only ‘know’ them in our mind, because we haven’t received a testimony (through prayer & a witness of the Holy Ghost), then we aren’t really going to believe it in our hearts- we’re not going to feel it. And if you don’t have a testimony of something, you’re a lot less likely to live by it, or to want to do it. (I think of scripture study, that if you truly had a testimony of it, you would do it- you would want to do it).

So anyway, we got talking about how that could relate to the disordered stuff, and it became clearer to me.

If this eating disorder is a weakness (and I believe it is)…

Then what I need to do is go to the Lord in prayer about it…

So, immediately, I think, “but wait… if I am going to pray about it, then I need a conclusion, right? Because I’m supposed to think about it and figure something out on my own- a plan of action or something, right?”

Ken said, “It sounds to me like you’ve already thought about it a lot.” (that is true)

“But I don’t have a conclusion of what I should do about it… I just know it should stop, and I don’t want it, but I don’t know how.”

Then he helped me figure it out- and maybe it seems simple, but to me it was like an epiphany.

It’s like a testimony.

In a sense, I need a testimony of what I already know (in my mind) makes sense.

I need a testimony that the eating disorder is wrong and I need to get rid of it in my life.

(That seems silly because I can already clearly see that, with my mind)

But when you think about it, it also seems silly to need to pray for a testimony of the church, the scriptures, prayer, or the prophet when you can clearly see with your mind that they make sense, and are true.

But we still need to do that if we want a true testimony- if we want to truly feel that those things are true, not just know them.

And when you have a testimony of something, you will live it- you will want to live it, and you’ll do it.

At least that’s the way I understand it.

It’s a whole other perspective for me.

But I felt quite excited about it as I thought about it last night, and as we were talking.

This means that it is possible to truly recover from an eating disorder!

With the help of God.

(But of course- I’ve been working on this for years, trying to do it by myself and have come this far, but now it’s time to get His help)… You do what you can do, and then he helps you finish with what you can’t do for yourself.

What a wonderful realization- I am so excited about it.

what went before - what came after

Last 5 entries:

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*happy unintentional weightloss* - 02-08-05
anyone still there? - 08-17-04
- - 05-11-04
and as for lunch... - 05-03-04