The Undoing

04-06-04 - 3:01 p.m.

I've been thinking about the way I check in the mirror to see how my waist is looking each time that I change and the way that I step on the scale to check on the number I'm weighing in at for the moment.

This is how I measure myself. It's not the only way I measure myself. It's not the only way I can measure myself nor is it the only way that I do.

Lately I'm noticing that I measure myself in that way too often.

I am not just a body.

I am a spirit. I've got a mind with thoughts, a heart with feelings, and a self with talents and inuque abilities.

I'm an artist at heart, but what good does that do me or anyone else if I am so focussed on what I am shaping and molding my body into that I forget to express myself creatively.

How am I to help others or be a friend or any positive influence for that matter, if all of my efforts and energy are channelled into weightloss or mental reprimanding of myself for a lack of weightloss, or the absence of emaciation, whatever the case may be.

Having written this out I can see what a selfish thing this has become. I have become so concerned with the way that my body appears, to others, that my appearance and my weight can directly effect my confidence level and my mood.

It just isn't right. It needs to be changed, but how do I change a mindset that I began programming years ago and have entertained since? The undoing will take much effort.

I wrote this some time ago and just stumbled across it in a notebook today.

what went before - what came after

Last 5 entries:

Pregnant! - 01-23-06
*happy unintentional weightloss* - 02-08-05
anyone still there? - 08-17-04
- - 05-11-04
and as for lunch... - 05-03-04